Letters
by WritingElk
Summary: "Laurens stared at his whiskey glass. It was half empty. Or half full? Probably depends if you're in a positive or negative spirit. He looked at the opened envelope that laid on the table next to him, the wax seal was already broken open, the letter in it was in his hands." This is just another Lams fanfic. It's kinda historical, but... yeeh, just see if you like it! :)


**Hello, this is my first fanfic I've ever put out here on the internet. I do want to say that I'm still a pretty big noob at writing soooo... yeeh, I kind wrote this for fun. Still, I really dig Lams.**

Laurens stared at his whiskey glass. It was half empty. Or half full? Probably depends if you're in a positive or negative spirit. He looked at the opened envelope that laid on the table next to him, the wax seal was already broken open, the letter in it was in his hands. With doleful eyes, he looked at the writing.

 _Dear John Laurens,_

 _We are pleased to tell you that we would like to invite you to the wedding of Alexander James Hamilton and Elizabeth Schuyler on the 4th December at-_

He didn't read any further, he just wished for the carefully written letters not to be true. His eyes were burning but could not shed a single tear.

 _This truly is not Hamilton's handwriting… he did not tell him in person, he could not even write this letter. Clearly, he does not want him to know…_

His house was particularly quiet that night and he felt a cold breeze entering through the opened window. It was a snowy night outside, only a few lanterns were lit up. The curtains were silently rustling. He took another sip from his glass, the burning sensation of the alcohol running down his throat. Frankly, he didn't like this feeling, but would rather accept this unwelcoming taste than not getting to feel the numbness that this liquid provides.

Fast, sharp breaths were jolting his body as he put down the glass on the table.

 _He will not burst into tears, he will not burst into tears…_

He pulled his vest tighter around his waist. Bleakness made him shiver, but the bleakness didn't just come by reason of the unsealed widow, no, it emerged from deep down in his chest, right from his heart.

Carefully he stood up, shoving his chair back to get to the window. He put his hand at the handle and gently pressed the door shut. Already feeling the strong alcohol rushing to his head he sat back down again. He felt a little dizzy and lightly sick but probably not only the strong alcohol could be blamed for his current condition.

Quietly he cursed his foolishness, how could he have been so imbecile, so absurdly hopeful…

 _Honestly, what had he been expecting… what were his hopes…_

Quickly he reached for his glass, looking at his shoes when he was stopped by the hand of another man. Without having to look up he knew who's sight he would have to expect.

„Congratulations Alexander, I… I didn't hear you coming in…"

His voice was quiet and unemotional, distant. No hint of the passion with which only spoken his name out a few days ago. In particular… that night…

Alexander sighed and sat down on the chair right beside him. Quickly Laurens glanced at him, his hair had delicate snowflakes in it, slowly melting. He took his coat off and placed it on the table. Carefully he took his friend's hand in his, looking him right in the eyes. Only now John noticed the warmth of his hand, even though he clearly had been outside. His eyes seemed languid, exhausted. Suddenly a feeling of dander made Laurens' surprised expression change to a disappointed, maybe even an accusing one.

 _Why isn't he pleased, for one time in his life? Weren't these supposed the most blessed days in his life?_

„My dearest, you shouldn't be drinking this if you are not feeling well…"

By just hearing his soft voice his fury vanished, but was immediately replaced with sorrow. The thought of Eliza in Alexander's arms was unbearable, he wished so badly to be in her position. He just could not imagine how it shall go on with them. It was out of question to just go on like this with their friendship as if there was nothing. Like there was not this invisible tension no one talks about.

Certainly, he will always be unable to hear his voice without thinking about how his lips felt on his, how his hair felt between his fingers. He tried his best not to show his despair and just laughed bitterly. Hastily he pulled his hand away from Alexander's and took his glass.

 _Why should he care about his feelings? He deserves Eliza, not him, a complicated man, who cannot be any more disgusting…_

But Alexander took it out of his hand again and forced Laurens to look upon his eyes by cupping his friend's chin with his hand. Slowly he brushed a streak of his curly hair behind his ear. He could feel how Laurens' posture stiffened but John did not try to stop him.

„John, I'm honestly sorry. I hate that you had to learn about my engagement with Eliza… not from me but from a letter and… I understand your sorrow, though I-"

With a nervous expression, he cleared his throat and started brushing John's cheek delicately with his finger. Laurens didn't try to get away from him, but he clearly felt uncomfortable. John's mind got apprehensive, the only thing he clearly felt was Alexander's hand. But still, he stayed quiet.

 _How cold Alexander hurt him, by always seducing him? How could he, as a good friend of her's, betray Eliza in this incredibly cruel manner and wish for her fiancé to kiss him, a MAN, again?_

„-hope you can… forgive me…"

„Alexander… do not apologize. You are doing what I should probably… put more effort into too, marrying a-a honorable woman, to… advance your social status. How-how could I blame you for doing something that shall have great impact on.. on your further political career…"

He sighed and looked at Alexander's eyes, his beautiful brown eyes… they looked beautiful in the dim light of the oil lamp…

 _Stop right now!_

„Also, what happened before… was just a-a fault of mine under the influence of alcohol, that-that I am honestly sorry about. It did not show my intentions, I-I was incredibly careless and unthoughtful…"

Slowly John took his friend's hand from his cheeks and stood up walking towards the window. Alexander's closeness made him tense, he did not want to let his desire guide him again. With a tired gesture, Alexander ran through is hair with his hand and raised up, pushing his chair back at the table. John still stood in front of the window, regarding the dark streets. Only a small carriage passed, the clattering of the hooves was vaguely audible. The sight of the subtle coat of snow on the roofs on the other side of the street made him tremble slightly.

Suddenly he felt Alexander's warm hands on his shoulders, slowly making their way to his sides.

„You are sorrowful, aren't you… Mr. Laurens? I suppose you are aware that I know that you were not actually inebriated that night you kissed me… I know about your affections towards me…"

John held his breath. Alexander's voice sounded clearly seductive, even playful. Frankly, he would be lying if he asserted that he didn't enjoy his touch. This didn't feel wrong. He wanted all of those sinful actions to feel wrong, so he would be able to stop thinking about him, to stop wishing that he would kiss him, but it just felt too beautiful, too rightful. Laurens took a sharp breath.

„Alexander, are you certain… about what you're about to do…? I remind you…, we're-we're breaking the law, you-you are… engaged with Miss Schuyler, and-"

Still standing behind him Alexander just put a finger on his lips and sealed them. Laurens blushed and he could feel his cheeks warming up. Certainly, Alexander was aware that his touch made lover's body prickle and he continued to run down John's sides until he came to his waist.

„Dear John, I'm fully aware that our further actions could… have serious consequences but those won't stop me…"

Quickly Laurens put his hand on Alexander's to stop them. He liked the feeling of his warm hands, but he couldn't, he just couldn't. They have gone far enough… have they…?

„Please Alexander, I want you to think carefully… I would be lying if I would say that… I-I do not desire you too, but I beg you…"

He breathed rushed as he felt how Alexander's grip around his waist tightened and his other hand moved to his hip. It was quiet. All Laurens could hear was Alexander's slow breathing. Even though he enjoyed this touch, his closeness, his eyes filled themselves with tears.

„You are an honorable man… you-you have a fiancée, I am just… an impious man, who… showed unfunded, disgusting… affections for you…"

„No, John I want you… and I know you want me…"

Carefully he got closer to his lover, Laurens felt his warm breath at his neck and his fingers delicately unbuttoning his vest, one button at a time. He didn't know what to do, should he stop him or should he just let him grant…

 _But Alexander was right, he wanted him too…_

His breath got faster, but he did not move a muscle. With a devious smile, Alexander continued, starting to unbutton Laurens' shirt. The fabric quietly rustled and John wanted to stop him, but he… could not quit, not now.

All of a sudden he pulled John towards him and pressed him against the wall. He finished the last button of his shirt and gently put his hand on John's bare chest. John could see the reflection of his silhouette in Alexanders brown eyes, they seemed to glow.

 _Alexander is sure about this…_

Slowly they got closer only a small gap between their faces. Hesitantly John reached his hand up to Alexander's hair. His lips were slightly parted and Alexander put his hand on his cheek, thoroughly looking at every single freckle in his face. With a small grin, Alexander gently pressed his lips on John's. Laurens felt how he slightly bit his lip and how one hand found his way from his chest to his hip, gingerly holding onto it. Alexander's lips felt warm and soft, he tasted slightly like strong whiskey.

John moaned breathlessly and pulled his lover closer to him, hastily starting to unbutton Alexander's shirt, still not disengaging his from Alexander's lips. Alexander leaned further into the kiss, carefully pressing his tongue into his lover's mouth. Quickly John wrapped his arms around his bare shoulders, feeling nothing but his warmth and his touch. He gasped as Alexander took off his lips of his and started kissing his neck, first slowly but he got more longing, more passionate…

 _What are they doing here, what if anyone sees them?_

Immediately his posture stiffened and his grip on Alexander's shoulders eased up. Alexander noticed and took his face gently between his hands. Concerned he regarded him.

„What is wrong Jack?"

The way he spoke out this sobriquet was in such a soft, caressing manner. Laurens blushed, but rather due to embarrassment about Alexander's caress, no-one ever named him this way. But still, the worrying thoughts would not go away.

„What-what…"

To speak out his concern it required him some effort. He took a deep breath and heard his voice shiver.

„What happens if-if anyone… finds out…?"

Sheer panic made his voice crack, he regretted what he allowed Alexander to do. How could he have been so impossibly reckless, so stupidly thoughtless. If anyone would come through his front door right now they would see them, how Hamilton presses him against the wall, how he puts his hand on his thigh, how he gingerly lays his finger on his lips…

„Shhh… no-one shall ever discover our secret, trust me, my love…"

Carefully he pushed Laurens onto the chair behind him, with a sly smile on his lips sitting down on his lap. Laurens only felt the pillows in his back and his lover's warm breath at his ear.

„Say it… say what has been on your mind since we first met…"

His voice was quiet and clearly alluring. John held his breath and looked at him. There he was, sitting on his lap, his long dark brown hair falling over his face. With a slight smile, he cupped his chin with his hand, still concerned… but he did not want to lose him.

 _Not because of his unfounded doubts…_

For the first time, he allowed himself to enunciate what he truly thought, what his honest feelings towards Alexander were.

„I love you, Alexander, with my whole heart… When I saw you in that bar, talking to Burr, I knew… I knew that I fell for you, the second… you raised your-your glass and shouted your stupidly beautiful, revolutionary ideas…"

His voice slacked off and he took a long breath. It felt like such a relief.

„And even though I'm aware that… we are breaking the law and committing a sin that shall get us in hell, but I-I was never more joyous in… my small, insignificant life…"

Gingerly he put his hand on his dear lover's side, slowly moving it down to his hip. Alexander smiled slightly and kissed him again. This time faster, more yearning, more eager. John gasped due to his sudden movement, his nearly painful kisses.

„I will never let you go…"

Alexander breathed sharply and quickly, John could see how he was trying to find the right words. Bashfully John blushed, he felt his heart beating faster. Alexander, the man who never ran out of words, who wrote political essays like he was running out of time, who wrote entire speeches in a day, was not sure about what words to tell him…

„You are the… most beautiful and sharp-minded man, I… have ever been lucky enough to meet in my entire life…"

Alexander's voice was thin but John heard every syllable, listening closely to remember his voice as good as possible. His skin was covered with goosebumps as he drew him closer, wrapping his arms around Alexander's waist. Alexander got closer to him too and slightly put his lips on his. This kiss was more gently, more caressing. His voice was quiet when he spoke.

„You are an angle, John Laurens… a beautiful, lovely angle…"

 **I know that this is not exactly historically accurate (not even close), but idk it was fun. I apologize for any mistakes, obviously English is not my native language... But I hope you enjoyed!**


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